


All These Words I Just Don't Say

by celeste9



Category: Primeval
Genre: Awkwardness, Crack, F/M, Female Friendship, First Kiss, Fluff, Gift Fic, Humor, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 15:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jess wakes up and discovers she can read minds. It's not as nice as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All These Words I Just Don't Say

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday to deinonychus_1! Thanks to clea2011for the last minute read-through so I wouldn't have to beg anyone to read Becker/Jess. Tentatively using this for ladiesbingo 'telepathy', though I hope Becker didn't take over too much. The title is from Metallica and yes, I fully realize how weird it is that I wrote Becker/Jess and titled it from Metallica. ETA: Totally forgot this is also for Trope Bingo, 'telepathy/mindmeld'. *facepalm*

The day started like any other. Jess dressed for work (she was wearing new shoes she’d just bought last week, this fabulous pair of purple heels), grabbing her coffee and a muffin leftover from the batch Lorraine had brought in yesterday on her way out the door. Lorraine was currently Jess’ favourite.

After arriving at the ARC, Jess waved in at Lester in his office. He looked tired and grumpy but that was entirely normal. Sometimes he looked tired and pleased with himself, but Jess never thought about that too hard. She sat at her station, taking some time to rearrange everything to her preferences. The new guy on the night shift was perpetually making changes, like he didn’t understand that everything he touched was only on loan. He would learn.

That was when it started getting weird.

_Oh, she’s wearing that tiny grey skirt again, the one that hugs her bum. I wonder if she’ll stand up if I say hello?_

It sounded like Becker. Jess swiveled her chair around so quickly she nearly fell off it. As suspected, there was Becker, walking through the hub. “I’m sorry, was that directed at me?”

Becker paused next to her, his forehead creasing. “What?”

“Oh, never mind if you’re going to be like that,” Jess said, shaking her head. It was too early for dealing with Becker when he was being difficult.

 _She’s in a mood,_ Becker said, though his lips didn’t move. That was odd. She hadn’t known he could do that, and anyway, what was the point?

But more importantly, “ _I_ am?”

The furrow between Becker’s brows deepened. “You’re what?”

Jess sighed. “Go on, then, perhaps Connor or Matt will find the five-year-old act more amusing. I’ve got work to do.”

 _Women,_ Becker muttered as he walked off, which Jess thought was rather rude, but she took the higher path and refrained from comment.

Everything was fine for a while. The ADD stayed quiet and no one bothered Jess, which was a rare and welcome occurrence. Though it was nice when people stopped by to chat with her, every now and again, it was okay when they did that, she wasn’t complaining. As long as it wasn’t Becker, unless he was going to decide to apologise. She wasn’t holding her breath, though. Becker never apologised.

Right about the time Jess was thinking she should have lunch, Lester called her into his office. She hoped he hadn’t thought of something to complain about. Lester liked to complain to Jess. Perhaps it was something about her face.

“Ah, there you are,” Lester said as Jess tapped lightly on the door and let herself in. He rose to his feet, stepping around the side of his desk. His eyes flickered over her quickly.

_Someone really needs to speak with her about proper attire for the workplace. Perhaps Matt. Yes, Matt will do nicely._

“There’s nothing wrong with my clothes!” Jess said, even as she realised she’d heard Lester speak without seeing his lips move. Like Becker. It was too odd to be a coincidence.

Something was seriously wrong.

“Anyway, you shouldn’t pawn things off on other people,” Jess added. “If you’ve got something to say to me, say it yourself.”

Lester’s expression hadn’t changed. He said, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“You said my clothes are inappropriate!”

“I did no such thing, though now that you mention it, your skirt is far too short for the workplace. I don’t need Captain Becker getting distracted.”

Jess blushed. Then she said, “I’ve got to go,” and rushed out of the office without waiting for Lester’s permission.

She passed someone coming in from the lift. She didn’t know him, one of Becker’s new recruits, but he smiled at her, and she heard, _Pretty girl, not a bad rack, wish Becker didn’t get the first go at her,_ reverberate in her head.

Jess fled. She practically ran into the corridor past the hub, voices bouncing in at her from all directions, everyone she saw. She held her hands to her ears but it didn’t help, all it got her was some strange stares. Flinging the door open to the ladies’, Jess ducked inside and stopped at the sink, gripping her hands along the side and trying to force her breathing back to normal. She splashed water on her face.

That was when she heard it.

_Bloody cheating bastard, sodding arsehole, they deserve each other, she isn’t even pretty, cheap bottle blonde, laughs like a horse, I hope they’ll be very happy together, as long as she likes missionary, worst sex I ever had, I don’t know why I stayed with him, why didn’t I--_

“Damn it!” Jess exclaimed, knowing that if she checked, there’d be a pair of shoes evident in one of the stalls.

As the bathroom was no longer the refuge she craved, Jess went back into the hall, nearly colliding with Emily as she did so.

“Goodness!” Emily said, bracing a hand on Jess’ shoulder. “What’s the matter?”

Jess felt the tears welling up and she knew it was stupid, she was being a stupid little girl, she couldn’t _cry,_ but she couldn’t help it and they were spilling out, down over cheeks.

“Oh, dear,” Emily said, pulling Jess into an awkward embrace and patting her back like she wasn’t quite sure how it was done.

Jess sobbed harder. Then she realised that all she could hear from Emily was the same sort of thing Emily was saying out loud, _Oh, dear,_ and _Whatever’s the matter,_ and then a small, _I hope this is right,_ that made Jess giggle through her tears.

“Here, come out of the hall,” Emily urged, gently guiding Jess away, through a door into one of the labs.

They sat down on a couple of the stools, Emily still rubbing light circles on Jess’ back as her sobs gradually quieted into hitching breaths and then stopped. She looked at her sleeve and wondered how disgusting it would be to wipe her nose on it.

Emily handed her a handkerchief. Emily was definitely Jess’ favourite now. Jess blew her nose loudly and crumpled the handkerchief up in her hand.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Jess,” Emily said, concern shining in her eyes. She was thinking the same thing.

“I think I’m telepathic,” Jess said.

“You’re what?”

“I think I can read minds. I keep hearing things, but no one’s actually talking, and I can’t make it stop, and it’s so _loud,_ and I don’t think I can bear it! It hasn’t even been a day and I’m going crazy!”

“But how is that possible?”

“I don’t know! It just happened. I’m not thrilled about it.”

“Did you do anything unusual or out of the ordinary? Odd things happen around here but generally there’s an explanation.”

“No, I went to work, and I--” It suddenly dawned on Jess, though it sounded like something out of a romcom so she was hesitant to even mention it.

It had happened yesterday. Becker had been leaning over her shoulder to look at something on the monitors, pressing into her space like he did so often. It was a little bit rude but Jess liked him being close to her so she never said anything, even if it did make her ten kinds of confused. He always smelled lovely; it must have been what he put in his hair.

He’d pulled a chocolate bar out of one of his pockets and dropped it onto the desk in front of her. It was one of those chocolate creams, but not the horrible orange one, just the regular one. “I saw it when I was buying my groceries last night and thought of you,” he’d said, smiling a little, and Jess had wanted to melt.

“Thanks,” was all she’d said, feeling a bit daft, but then he’d gone and ruined it. Because he always did.

“Thought you might like it when you’re having your wine and reading one of those romance novels. That’s what single girls do on their own, isn’t it? Chocolate, wine, and unattainable fantasies?”

Jess had gawked at him for a second and then spun away from him in her chair. “You’re an arsehole. I have work.”

“Okay,” Becker had said slowly, like she was the one with the problem, and then he’d left.

He’d left and Jess had been so angry, and she’d thought, just for a second, how much she’d like to know what Becker was thinking for once so she’d know if she was only fooling herself. She hadn’t thought it. She’d _wished_ it.

“Oh, God,” Jess moaned. “I think I did it to myself.”

Emily sighed. “Oh, Jess,” she said, and rubbed her fingers at the base of Jess’ neck.

-

Emily insisted they tell Lester what was going on. Jess relented, as she knew it would probably be a bad idea to try to hide it, and in any case, it might stop Lester wanting to sack her for what had happened earlier if he knew she had a good excuse.

It was kind of funny, actually. While she explained, Lester’s eyebrow had slowly risen higher and higher towards his hairline, and he wouldn’t believe her until she’d repeated his thoughts three times. Then he’d gradually pushed his chair farther and farther away from her, as if that would do him any good.

He offered to let her take the afternoon off. Jess refused, as she didn’t think it would help. She wasn’t sure anything would help, except perhaps moving to Antarctica and living in a cave, far, far away from civilisation.

That would be miserable. Jess thought she’d rather die. She’d have no one to talk to, ever, and she wouldn’t even be able to wear the vast majority of her shoe collection.

So Jess persevered. She went to her station and did her work and if she flinched every time someone walked by, well, she couldn’t help it. She knew that she was something of a gossip, but she had really never wanted to know that Rachel in R&D was considering buying a leather bustier and a whip to shake things up in the bedroom or that Jordan the botanist was going to divorce his wife because she’d slept with his sister.

Abby and Connor came by. Abby said, “Emily told us what happened.”

Connor said, “This is so cool! You’re telepathic! Do you know what I’m thinking now?”

After taking a moment to parse through the myriad of thoughts flitting through Connor’s mind, Jess said, “You’re thinking about that episode of Buffy where that demon gunk makes her telepathic and wondering whether I’ve heard anything on par with Buffy discovering Giles had sex with her mum.”

“Oh, Connor,” Abby muttered, but Connor was beaming.

“That’s brilliant! I wish I’d woken up and discovered I was telepathic; if you can read minds then no one can keep secrets from you and you’d know exactly what they think about you.” He paused. “Of course, I’m not sure I actually want to know what Lester thinks of me. Then again, he mostly says what he thinks of me straight to my face.”

Jess knew Connor was only excited, and it was admittedly an exciting sort of thing to happen, and he cared about her, and Abby cared about her, but she was tired and her head hurt and it was hard enough dealing with her own thoughts, let alone everyone else’s. “I’m sorry, but this is all rather overwhelming. Do you think you could give me some space?”

Connor nodded sagely, patting her on the hand. “Yeah. It’s like Jean Grey, she went crazy when she got her powers.”

Abby jerked her head to the side. “Conn.”

“Right, yeah. I’ll leave you to it.” As he walked off, Abby trained a sympathetic gaze on Jess.

“I’ll leave too, don’t worry, but Jess… Are you okay? Really?”

Jess offered a weary smile that she hoped didn’t look too forced. “I’m fine, honestly. Headache to kill all headaches and I’ve learned more about our colleagues than I ever wanted to know, but yeah. I’m all right.”

“All right,” Abby said, even though she seemed hesitant to accept Jess’ words at face value. “Will you tell me if you need anything?”

“Promise. Probably I’ll ring you though, I don’t think I can read minds over the phone,” Jess said, trying for a light joke.

Abby smiled at least, even if Jess suspected she did so merely to humour her. “Okay. Go home early, get some sleep.”

“I will,” Jess promised.

That was easier said than done, though. Jess did take an early night (she hadn’t seen Becker once since that morning, as if he was avoiding her) but she ended up lying in bed for hours, unable to stop her thoughts from churning round and round in her head. She was grateful for her huge flat, which meant there was no one near enough for their thoughts to seep into her head, but she had enough thoughts of her own.

Mostly, what the hell was she going to do if this turned out to be permanent? She couldn’t live like this, voices constantly in her head, hearing things she didn’t want to because inevitably people would think the things they least wanted known. In comic books and whatever people always had someone to teach them how to control things like this. Jess didn’t know anyone who could help her control telepathy. Connor was her best option, on account of the comic books and sci-fi thing; perhaps he’d picked up something useful.

The fact that the best advice she could think of getting would have a fictional source was a very, very bad sign.

She rolled onto her stomach and put her pillow over her head, as if that would stop her thinking so much. It didn’t. She got out of bed, walking barefoot to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine.

Jess decided if she had ever deserved a drink, it was now.

-

Before heading in to the ARC the following day, Jess stopped to buy some ear plugs. Nice ones. She stuffed them in her ears on her way out of the shop.

_I knew I shouldn’t have had that extra bowl of ice cream, I’ve gained another pound and I need to fit into that--_

Jess sighed and threw the ear plugs into the bin.

Becker was again mysteriously absent. He was definitely avoiding her. Was he that frightened of the idea that she could hear what he was thinking? He probably spent ninety-nine percent of the time thinking about guns anyway.

She had lunch with Emily outside, away from the rest of the ARC employees. It had been Emily’s idea and Jess nearly kissed her for it. Jess liked the rhythm of Emily’s thoughts, the honesty of them. Emily was so practical and straight-forward and she said just what she thought, which was pleasantly refreshing.

“I expect you could use this to make money,” Emily said.

“What?”

“Well, you could read people’s minds to find out passcodes and things.”

“Yes,” Jess said, grinning at Emily’s serious tone. “I should become a thief and when I’m caught and the police ask me how I did it, I’ll say, ‘But I could read their minds!’ I’m sure they’ll be impressed.”

Emily smiled as she took a sip of juice. “It would be very impressive. You should think about it.”

“I could buy a lot of shoes that way,” Jess mused.

Jess finally encountered Becker at the end of the day, when she was on her way out and he smelled like he’d either been shooting on the range or cleaning guns in the armoury. He was thinking about guns, too. It was sad, but also endearing. But mostly sad.

“Hey,” Becker said, looking down at her.

“Hi,” Jess said. She waited for him to say something but he only stood there, looking faintly flustered.

_Does she know I can see straight down her dress?_

“She does now,” Jess said and turned around to stalk off.

She ran into Abby moments later, face thundering. “Men are stupid,” she announced.

Abby immediately linked her elbow through Jess’. “Come on, we’re getting Emily. Girls’ night.”

-

They put on their cutest dresses (though, let’s be honest, Jess knew she didn’t look cute, she looked fantastic) and went clubbing. It was the perfect place because even though they were surrounded by people, the music was so loud that Jess could barely hear herself think, let alone anyone else.

It was exactly what she’d needed. A night out with her best friends, a night to not think about anything, to let boys buy her drinks and flirt without ever intending on following through, to dance and feel sexy and not think about Becker, not once.

Okay, once. Just now. But that was it.

Jess probably had too much to drink, but that was okay. Abby got them a taxi and the buzz in Jess’ skull made all the foreign thoughts she picked up on fuzzy and indistinct. That was nice. She leaned against Emily’s shoulder, slumping a little. Emily always smelled nice, sort of old-fashioned, like lavender and roses and jasmine.

“I’m starving,” Jess said, and clearly Abby and Emily were the best because they stopped for chips. Jess ate most of them but that was fair, she was the drunkest, she deserved chips. She was also the only one having a magical crisis at the moment.

She snickered.

Abby and Emily exchanged a look.

“I saw that,” Jess informed them.

“I’ve no idea what you mean,” Emily said, sitting with her back perfectly straight, prim and proper.

“I know when you’re lying now,” Jess said, even though everything was still foggy in her head.

“Only if I were thinking about how I am lying, or otherwise giving myself away.”

“What?” Jess asked, because that was too complicated for all the brightly coloured drinks she’d had.

“Okay, time to get you home,” Abby said and pulled Jess up and out of the booth.

Jess only let her because she was afraid she’d fall flat on her face otherwise.

-

It was only to be expected that Jess was a teensy bit hungover the next morning. She wore dark sunglasses until she got into the ARC in spite of the fact that it was completely cloudy and she was slightly jittery from all the caffeine she had ingested to try to keep herself from crashing.

Of course today was the day that Becker decided not to make himself scarce.

“You look nice,” he said.

Jess snorted. “I look like crap.”

“You don’t. A little tired, but you still look nice.” _I want to brush back your hair and kiss that spot where your neck meets your shoulder._

Jess blinked. It was possible she was hallucinating.

Becker seemed only faintly flustered as he handed her a Flake that he’d apparently been hiding behind his back. “If you aren’t feeling well, perhaps some chocolate will help.”

“Thanks,” Jess said, taking it and then gazing at it resting in her palm.

Then she stared at Becker, because all he was thinking about was Jess eating it like those girls in the adverts, he was thinking about watching her eat it. Then he thought, _Stop it, stop thinking that, she’s going to think you’re a giant pervert, you idiot. Why did I get her a Flake? I’m such a twat._

Becker was staring right back at her, the tips of his ears lightly flushing, and Jess tried to think of something to say.

The anomaly alarm went off. Jess wasn’t sure which of them was more relieved.

At her station, Jess’ hands flew over her keyboard as she discovered an anomaly had opened in a tennis club. Becker was leaning over her but he was completely focused, the only thing running through his head was how best to proceed.

Except for the stray thought, _I love that perfume she wears. I wish I could lick her skin, it looks so soft, and bury my nose in her hair._

Jess gasped softly at the onslaught of images and Becker couldn’t leave fast enough. Oh, my. What exactly was going on here?

The anomaly proved a welcome distraction. When Jess was monitoring CCTV and traffic feeds and coordinating with the team and speaking to police in the area and a million other things at once, she was far too busy to think about silly things like magical telepathy and whether or not Becker wanted to shag her.

Every time Lester wandered by and pretended to be busy when he clearly only wanted to check on the team, she could hear how concerned he was. Actually hear it - not suspect it, as she always had, but hear how much he worried for them. It was sweet. Jess kept smiling at him. He gave her weird looks and edged away.

It was a relatively straightforward shout and a successful one, as no one was hurt. Becker came back looking unruffled and went straight past Jess without a word. She watched him go, trying not to feel hurt.

“Jess? Are you all right?”

It was Abby. Emily came up beside her as well, both of them watching her with matching anxious expressions.

Jess waved them off. “Even when I can hear his thoughts I can’t figure him out.”

-

That evening, Jess picked up her phone and called Abby. Becker was driving her crazy, even worse than the random people in her head, and she really just needed to talk to someone.

“Does Becker even like me?” she asked, feeling silly, like a teenage girl. She wasn’t a teenage girl any more, even if those years weren’t far-off yet. She was supposed to have grown up.

“Of course he likes you,” Abby assured her. “Are you kidding? He worries about you more than any of us.”

“Well, that’s stupid, I don’t even go out in the field.”

“Jess--”

“No, it’s stupid! And I can take care of myself; I saved Lester, remember? I saved him, when we were stuck alone with those… those things, he would’ve died, and I would’ve died, but I--” Her breath caught and she felt like she might choke. She blinked back tears and felt even sillier.

“We know that,” Abby said. “Becker knows that. But just because he trusts you doesn’t mean he won’t worry. That’s who he is. He worries because he cares so much.”

“Then why is he such an arsehole?”

Abby laughed. “He’s awkward, that’s all. You make him flustered.”

Jess made a face that of course Abby couldn’t see. “What? Me, make him flustered? Mister ‘I’m so cool, look at my huge guns and my tight trousers’?”

“Oh, that’s mean,” Abby said, but she was still laughing. “The fit ones are always a bit dumb, you know.”

“I just wish I knew what he wanted,” Jess said, sighing. She realised as she said it that she shouldn’t have, as thinking like that had been what had got her in this mess in the first place.

“Give him some time. He’ll figure it out eventually.”

“Eventually is the problem.” It seemed like ‘eventually’ was lasting forever.

-

“How are you feeling?” Emily asked Jess in the ARC the next morning, which meant that as soon as Jess had hung up with Abby, Abby had rung Emily.

Oh, well. Let’s be honest, Jess would have done the same thing had their positions been reversed. “Okay,” Jess answered. “No, honestly, don’t look at me like that.”

“It’s just that you’ve been saying the same thing for days and you don’t actually seem very okay.”

“I think I might lock Becker in a room with me so he can’t run away.”

“That sounds sensible,” Emily said.

“Speak of the devil,” Jess muttered because Becker chose that moment to come striding up to them, his forehead creased anxiously.

“Jess, can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” Jess said.

Becker’s eyes flickered to Emily. “In private?”

Jess exchanged a glance with Emily. _Sounds important,_ Emily was thinking, and Jess nodded.

“I’ll leave you,” Emily said then and left, the heels of her boots sounding lightly across the floor.

“Will you come with me?” Becker gestured down the corridor. “I’d rather not do this where we could be overheard.”

“My,” Jess said as she followed him. “You’re being terribly serious.”

Becker was walking too quickly for Jess to keep up, taking long strides, like he thought that would protect him from having his mind read. It didn’t, but all she could hear was how nervous he was.

He led them into an empty lab, like Emily had done to get Jess away from all the voices in her head. Becker sat as far away from her as he could without requiring them to shout at each other.

“Well?” Jess prompted when he didn’t say anything.

“I’m not good at this,” he started. “I’m rubbish, actually, completely rubbish, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I suppose you can tell that.”

Actually, Jess wasn’t sure what he meant at all. “Rubbish at what?”

Becker gestured between them. “This! You and me, this… this thing. I know I always say the wrong thing, and I certainly always think the wrong thing.”

It was beginning to become clearer. “I wouldn’t know, as you seem to have been avoiding me.”

“I didn’t… I didn’t want to be near you because I can’t control my thoughts around you, I knew you’d hear everything I was thinking and that scared me.”

Jess nodded. That made sense. “Lester’s been calling me on the phone so he doesn’t have to get close to me.”

Becker’s mouth twitched. “It’s a little different, though.”

“How?”

For a few moments, Becker was silent, and then he took a deep breath. “Because of this.” He stopped talking and stood up, erasing the distance between them. He gripped Jess lightly by the arms, tilting his head down towards her.

Jess listened.

_Because when I’m close to you all I can think about is you, how much I want to kiss you, how much I want to touch your skin and wake up next to you every morning, curled around you. I want to have you and yes, I know how that sounds, I just want you, all of you, all the time, and I was afraid of what you’d think if you could hear, if you could hear everything I think, I thought you’d be disgusted, I thought you wouldn’t want me, and I could go on being your friend if that’s all you wanted but I could never bear to have you look at me like I’m dirty, like you can’t stand to be around me, and--_

For the first time, Jess felt like she understood. Becker’s thoughts and feelings were swimming through her head and she got it, finally, she knew that he was as confused and scared and insecure as she was, and she thought maybe she loved him a little for that. She loved him a little for letting her in because she knew it was probably one of the hardest things he had ever done.

She pressed a finger to his lips, symbolically, because of course the words she heard weren’t coming from his lips.

“Jess,” Becker murmured against her finger.

“Hush,” Jess said, and she kissed him.

It was like she couldn’t tell where she ended and he began, what was in her head and what was in his, but it didn’t matter, none of it mattered, and Becker was hers, maybe he could be hers always. She drew back, panting softly, her hands cupping his face, and then she laughed. She smiled and laughed and wondered if she’d ever been this happy.

“What?” Becker asked, but he was smiling at her, too.

“I can’t hear what you’re thinking any more,” Jess said, beaming, and then she said, “Kiss me.”

He did.

**_End_ **


End file.
